No crying in February.

For the month of February i thought it would be good idea to not to cry, 

its February 28

i did it.

Listen, i cry a lot.. i can watch a sad commercial and get super emotional, i get that lump in my throat trying not to spill this waterfall i have behind my eyes.

i think i cried so much in January and thought maybe just maybe i can get this under control,

i was in the middle of watching Doctor Who (if you follow me on social media you're probably tired of me talking about this darn show) ... i get super attached to characters, well, more like emotionally attached. and this show is more than just sci-fi and monsters, its more about.. letting go and moving on, and doing what's right for all not just for yourself, (to me), and i had many moments where i just cried and cried.... for example on the episode 'Angels take Manhattan' when Rory and Amy jumped, i lost it. AH.. BUT THEN... little bit after that when the Weeping angels took Amy and Rory after they thought they were safe... i couldn't control it.. i had a hard time calming myself down... i saw a post that said "The final moments of the Pond Family. This is the last time all four of them are together, The next time we see the Doctor, he is living on a cloud, ignoring the world, and mourning the death of his family. The next time we see River, she's a ghost in a library" (if you dont watch Doctor Who.. this wont make ANY SENSE to you, but if you have .. ohmahgawd) anyways... that's when i decided to try not to get emotional enough to cry for the month of Feb. 

i didn't know how i would emotionally react if i tried to suppress my emotions,

so every day, well... most days... OK A FEW... i took little notes on my phone on how i was feeling with the whole not crying thing... 

February 5:

'Had to stop myself from crying on 2 occasions immediately, thought why i was doing this...started to think about the tasks i had to do today'

also let me add, im the type of person who WILL cry while listening to classical music, film music/score/soundtrack....  yes, im a mess.

February 6:

'Starting to feel emotionally detached from everything, having longer and deeper thoughts and analyzing why i would cry on this certain thing, Saw the moon (New Moon) and wanted to cry, but i quickly looked away and said to myself.." it's a normal thing, a moon is just a moon.. it's always there.. nothing beautiful about it.. (lying to myself to distract my emotions)" 

February 10:

'i feel completely numb from most emotions, you know when you feel nothing and you want to shake it off because you're not feeling like yourself... i dont feel like shaking it off... im starting to accept it, a feeling of contentment.'

February 12: 

'i feel like nothing matters to me, i suppose since im trying not to be as emotional im not emotionally attached to anything at the moment'

nothing brought me joy.

February 16:

'i feel emotionally full, anything and everything is triggering tears.. joy, anger, sadness... but i haven't shed one tear.. i feel i can control it better'

February 18:

'something happened that made me cry a bit... i didn't full on cried.. my eyes welled up but caught them on a tissue, i did feel defeated though....'

February 23:

'Not gonna lie.. i miss crying.. listening to songs that makes me cry and release my emotions i have bottled up...' 

last entry..

February 28:

i realize i can control my tears... i just have to quickly distract myself... i also realized.. that what a wonderful gift is to feel.... on the first days i felt nothing... i committed myself not to feel anything at all, and i didn't like it.... it's far worse than crying... i like crying... i like feeling... 

whether if its through a song, film, books... reminds me how alive we are... how our body reacts to it... it's quite wonderful. sometimes you have to stop and think why you are feeling the way you feel and analyze that feeling... it's exhilarating.

so in conclusion.... i like crying.. and now i know how to stop when i have to or when i want to... but i dont think im going stop for a whole month again.... 

crying is ok when you are not..

crying is ok when you're happy

crying is ok when you remember

crying is ok when you love

crying is ok when you feel.

crying is ok. 

cry.